Notes for Lost Coin September 18, 2007

An email from Brendan has prompted Daniel to comment that what we do here is not the point of what we do, though it is pleasant and nice to get together. It is what we take from here and do with it during the week that matters most.

There is, in these situations, a focus on the teacher which is important, and at certain stages very important, but when he started out not a lot of contact with the teacher.  In a monastic setting, you start early I the morning and you see the teacher maybe 3 days per week for 5 minutes or so, during daisen or dokusan.  Your teacher is not necessarily happy to see you at 4:30 a.m.  Daniel was able to see Roshi Daido Loori more frequently because Daniel was the head of administration at Zen Mountain Monastery but it was a trade off to have that position in order to be around Roshi more.

Teachers do not necessarily love to teach.  Maybe some people some of the time, but generally teachers teach because they reach a point where they feel that it is their calling.  Daniel would like to through this back on the group a bit; he likes this group and he finds it nice to teach us but that doesn't mean that teaching is his thing.  LEARNING is his thing, and he is trying to get us to learn.  Emphasis here is for us to learn so that the things we learn in class affect out everyday lives.

There are a number of lawyers in the group.  Each may be a bit contained. Being contained might also mean being more authentic but within social expectations being contained may be difficult.  So Daniel asked, how much of being contained is what you consciously choose and how much is mechanical. Perhaps look at that.  Professional warriors may have to be contained at times, but look closely at that.  Is it conscious?

In response to a student question, Daniel noted that you may be able to find some of Dave Daniels poetry online.  (he's the one in San Francisco with a beard)

Do unto others exercise

Daniel is focusing on cause and effect.  Treating others as you want to  be treated.

Attention is the most sincere form of love, to give it to someone even without lots of smiling and affirmation is a skill but still works wonderfully.  Work on that.

Our version of "do unto others" is more like the esoteric Christian version, not really like our normal Christian understanding would have you believe.

We say we want people to be honest with us but do we?  REALLY.  We want them to be honest with us but to do so in a caring, sensitive, careful way that we can hear.  That doesn't cause damage to our egos.  And even then, we still may not want to hear it given the time, place, and our disposition at the time.

Going back to the Psychological Commentaries by Nicoll, until you have entered into your own world and seen with consciousness, then you cannot consciously see into the world of others.

Several students stated that they really do want to be told the truth by people.  Daniel asked, "but do you like the person who tells you the truth?" Daniel went on to say, "Look at that, if it doesn't matter whether you dislike or like the person because of their truthfulness, then are you in relationship with that person or just using the person as a tool to help you?  ..Is that what relationship really is?

Further, whose truth?  What truth?  Who has the truth to tell you?

Telling someone what you perceive to be the truth about them may be okay but not at the wrong time or in the wrong way.  Telling people in an abrasive way is not what we want.  Even if you say that is what YOU want, then you've got this backwards.

The students spoke of negativity regarding their relationships with others. Daniel commented that it is hard to do unto others as you would have them do to you when you feel blameful or critical of the other person.

We believe that we have to agree on things in order to be in relationship with someone.  If they don't agree with us, we may spend years trying to convert that person.

In romantic relationships, do not treat that mate as a brother or sister but rather with heightened respect; maybe even a little formality.

We need to look at beginning with the premise that we create our relationships- not in a magical way, the other person is who they are- but people have a lot of variation and swing in how they interact with another person.  What do YOU get from people most of the time and how did you do that?

You can learn any behavior by modeling it.  Do it the same way and you'll get the same reaction.  People will read you most of the time, consistent with behaviors they know.  So, for example, if you don't want people to interact with you, don't look them in the eye.  It makes you appear available to them.  All of us project things and you can control this.

Exercise for the week

Be objective, after a day or relating to people, step back and describe how 5 or so people treated you and then look at what you did to create that?

Don't have a lot of judgment or opinion about it.  Later you can look further and decide if you like it or dislike it, or if you only want it sometimes from certain people.

Be able to say, "One behavior I create in others is..
